


Down The Hole

by micehell



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Humor, M/M, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-08
Updated: 2005-04-08
Packaged: 2017-11-12 04:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micehell/pseuds/micehell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malcolm goes down the hole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down The Hole

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: In answer to the fic challenge "Malcolm falls down a hole". 
> 
> It will be pretty apparent to most that this is *strongly* influenced by "Alice In Wonderland". Now I have not read nor seen "Alice In Wonderland" in many, many years, so my memory of the particulars of it are pretty dim. Don't expect this to match exactly, by any means. However, a basic knowledge of that story would help this one make more sense. Sort of.

Malcolm was on his way to the armory when he noticed that it was strangely hot. The ambient temperature on Enterprise was usually kept fairly cool, but today it felt like a sauna. He went over to the communications inset on the wall, intending to ask Engineering about the problem, but before he could key it, he was slammed into the wall by a passing whirlwind.

“Sorry, Lieutenant, but I’m late! I’m late for a very important date!” Whirlwind Hoshi hadn’t even stopped to apologize; she’d just called it out to him as she rushed down the hall.

Malcolm looked after her, stunned by her unusual behavior. Well, that and the knock to the head he’d just taken. And had Hoshi been wearing gloves?

Deciding that the temperature problem could wait, he went after the wayward communication’s officer, determined to find out what was wrong with her.

He stepped through the door she had entered and… fell.

He hadn’t even seen the hole at his feet, not having really been looking for it. Holes in a starship were never a good idea, and, as such, should never be left lying around like that.

That was about all he had time to think before his fall came to a very sudden halt. After that he wasn’t capable of much thought, or much breathing either. But eventually his head stopped spinning, and, more importantly, his lungs decided to work again, so he was able to stand up and see where he was.

Which, unless they’d suddenly acquired a holographic chamber, was nowhere aboard Enterprise. It was a garden. A very large, very overgrown garden. Malcolm shook his head. He must have hit his head harder than he’d thought.

He found himself on the ground for the third time that day when Hoshi plowed into him again. “Sorry again, Lieutenant, but I’m late! I’m late for a very important date!”

Malcolm was determined not to let her get away this time. “Ensign, stop right there!”

Which she did, but he could see her quiver with her need to be away. “I’m late!”

“So you’ve said. Repeatedly. But that doesn’t excuse your behavior. Now, what are you late to?” Malcolm stopped, thinking about his more immediate concerns. “And where the hell are we?”

Hoshi fiddled with the gloves she was wearing. “I’m late to see the Duchess. If I don’t get there soon, no one will know what anyone else is saying. So I have to go.”

And with that, she took off again. Malcolm ran after her, but soon lost her in the overgrown garden. He came across a bench, and decided to stop and think things over.

First, Hoshi was acting in a very strange manner; she was running around, she was slamming into people, she was meeting a Duchess, and she was wearing gloves. All very odd indeed.

Second, they were both no longer on Enterprise. He remembered how hot it had been on Enterprise. How hot it was in the garden. Maybe they hadn’t been on Enterprise for longer than he thought. Curiouser and curiouser.

Conclusion, they must have been kidnapped by some new alien race who was performing tests on them for their own potentially nefarious reasons. Satisfied with his conclusion, Malcolm decided it was up to him to find his way out of this trap. Once he did, he could set his shipmates free, and they could get back to the ship together.

He’d been wandering in the garden for hours, amazed by the sheer size of it, when he came across a large, imposing house. It was obviously part of the trap, but he might be able to find out something helpful in there. Malcolm figured it was worth the risk.

What he saw when he entered was pure pandemonium. There were a large number of beings in the house, of a large variety of species, and they were all trying to talk to each other in their native languages. Which, apparently, no one but Hoshi understood. She was running around the room, nervously playing with her gloves while she tried to translate half a dozen conversations at the same time. She waved at him when she saw him, but didn’t stop what she was doing.

Before Malcolm could do anything to help her, or to pull her out of this crazy place, the captain appeared, carrying Porthos in his arms like a baby. “Malcolm! So glad you could make it. Have some cheese.”

Looking around him, Malcolm could see that there were hunks of cheese all over the room. That explained why Porthos was struggling so desperately in Archer’s arms. Well, that and the way he was being carried, probably. Malcolm actually felt sorry for the dog, who had taken to howling mournfully, but the captain seemed to be oblivious to the squirming creature in his arms. Not able to take the howling anymore, Malcolm reached over and took Porthos from Archer’s grasp, intending to set him free amongst the cheese.

As soon as he had hold of the dog, however, Porthos started to change, his body morphing into something much larger, causing Malcolm to drop him. Seeing the leering Suliban on the floor in front of him, he reached for his blaster, only to remember he didn’t have one. Malcolm cursed, knowing how difficult it was to fight one with a weapon, forget without, but he had no choice.

Except that the Suliban didn’t attack, choosing instead to slink out of the house with one last smug grin. Well, weapon or not, Malcolm couldn’t let it get away. It was probably behind this whole experiment, and Malcolm was going to need him if they were going to get free.

He followed the alien out into a nearby forest, but soon lost him amid the trees. Knowing he’d never find him there, he turned back towards the house. At least he could get Jon and Hoshi, and maybe together they’d figure out a way out of here.

But he couldn’t find his way back, and was soon helplessly lost. He was disgusted with himself. He’d been an Eagle Scout for heaven’s sake, he should have been able to find his way back easily. He kicked at a branch lying across his path, sending it flying into a nearby tree.

“Hey, watch where you’re kicking things!”

Malcolm looked around. That had been Trip’s voice, but he couldn’t see him anywhere. “Trip, is that you?”

“Sure is,” Trip said. The voice was coming from the tree in front of Malcolm, but he still couldn’t see him.

“Where are you?”

“Right here.” And Malcolm could see Trip now. Well, he could see his mouth at any rate, and eventually the rest of him came into view.

Malcolm was relieved that Trip was here. The engineer would probably have some ideas about how the Suliban were performing this experiment. Might even have some ideas about how to stop it. “Thank goodness you’re here. I was following a Suliban, but I lost him in the woods. I think he’s responsible for what’s happening to us. The captain and Hoshi are at a house somewhere near here, but I haven’t been able to find my way back.”

Trip grinned wider. “That’s all right. I can tell you how to get there.”

Malcolm smiled himself, feeling some of the tension leave his shoulders. Maybe this would all be over soon. “Ok, which way do we go?”

“Some people say that way.” He pointed to his left. “And some people say that way.” He pointed to his right, the grin never leaving his face.

Malcolm sighed. So much for some help. Trip was as lost in the experiment as Jon and Hoshi. Malcolm was tired, he was hot, and he was irritated by this whole thing. All of which combined to make him a little testy with his friend. “And what do people who know what they’re talking about say?”

Same maddening grin. “Well, now, I can’t rightly say.”

Malcolm nodded, having expected as much. “Then you’re a useless git, aren’t you?”

Apparently, the Commander didn’t take kindly to insults, because he started to disappear. Bit by bit, with that stupid grin being the last piece to go. Malcolm shook his head. He really needed to get out of here soon.

Randomly choosing to go a direction that Trip hadn’t pointed to, Malcolm set off again. He’d been wandering for hours, when he came across a table in the middle of a clearing. There were dirty dishes all over it, and it had Travis seated at one end, his head down on the table, and Phlox seated at the other, wearing a very large hat.

Phlox looked pleased to see him, but Malcolm held out no hopes that he’d be of any help. “Lieutenant Reed, so glad you could join us. Please sit down.”

Being more than a little tired, Malcolm did so, but he refused the tea. He was tired, hot, and thirsty, and he’d kill for a nice cup of tea, but who knew what the Suliban would have put in it?

Phlox smiled at him. “Well, if you won’t have any tea, perhaps you’d care for a way out of here?”

Malcolm looked at him intently. “You have a way out of here?”

Phlox shook his head. “No, I’m sorry, there isn’t any.”

Malcolm refrained from smacking him, telling himself that Phlox wasn’t responsible for his actions here. But it was a close thing, all the same.

Travis looked up. “Did I tell you about the time when I was a kid that we…” His head went back to the table, and he promptly fell asleep. Malcolm was relieved. At least Travis wasn’t too badly affected by whatever was happening here.

Phlox ignored Travis, still trying to give Malcolm some tea, though there was hardly room on the table for another cup. “Lieutenant, do you know what’s the difference between a Denobulan and a writing table?”

“What?”

Phlox wagged an admonishing finger. “Come now, at least try to answer the riddle before you give up.”

Malcolm felt his irritation grow, but he refused to give into it. When Phlox tried to hand him another cup of tea, however, he lost it, and threw the cup down, causing it to shatter on the table.

Travis looked up again. “Did I tell you about the time when I was a kid that we…” Then he put his head back on the table, asleep again.

Phlox grinned. “Well, if you don’t know that one, how about this one. What do you get when you cross a Vulcan with a deck of cards?”

Sighing, Malcolm stood up. This was obviously getting him nowhere. “Goodbye, Doctor. Ensign.”

As he was leaving, he heard Travis say, “Did I tell you about the time when I was a kid that we…”

After several more hours of wandering around the forest, Malcolm came out in another garden, though this one was obviously well tended. He looked around, wondering who he was going to come across this time. Seeing some movement, he went to investigate.

He found a couple of crewmen with a can of red paint, trying to apply the paint to a white rosebush. And just when he’d thought this couldn’t get anymore bizarre. Well, nothing for it but to ask what they were doing. So he did.

“We were supposed to plant a red rosebush here, but we liked the white better, Lieutenant. But that was a mistake, and we’re trying to fix it before the Queen of Hearts finds out.”

Before Malcolm had a chance to reply, or the crewmen had a chance to finish, T’Pol appeared. “Lieutenant.” She nodded her head at him, and then turned her attention to the others. “Crewmen. May I inquire as to what you are doing?”

They were both stricken and seemed to be unable to answer, so Malcolm answered for them. “They said the Queen of Hearts told them to plant a red rosebush, but that they’d liked the white better, so they were trying to fix the problem before she found out. Though, considering that the paint is going to kill the plant, I think they’re out of luck, regardless.”

T’Pol nodded her head again. “I see.” She turned to the two crewmen. “I believe I gave you an order about the rosebush, but you chose to ignore it. And for a very illogical reason. You will have to be punished.”

For some reason, this made Malcolm very nervous. It was almost as if he’d seen this before, and the word ‘punishment’ didn’t bode well for the two men. He decided it was best to intervene. “Yes, of course, you must be the Queen of Hearts. But though they did disobey your orders, I’m sure they’ve come to regret it already. Surely such a minor transgression doesn’t really require punishment?”

T’Pol raised an eyebrow at him. “They must learn that there are consequences to disobeying orders. If they would just behave in a more logical fashion, I wouldn’t have to reprimand them.”

Malcolm was relieved. Reprimanded? Well, that didn’t sound too bad. “Sorry for interrupting you, Sub-Commander, um, that is, Your Highness.”

“Thank you.” She waved her hand and some guards came hurrying up. “Off with their heads.”

Malcolm was horrified. “Off with their heads? That’s not a reprimand!”

T’Pol gave him her usual dispassionate look, and in a perfectly even tone of voice said, “You have interrupted me and questioned my judgment. Neither of these is logical behavior. You will have to be reprimanded as well. Off with his head.”

Phlox appeared, still in his large hat, but now carrying some ominous looking medical equipment. He smiled warmly at Malcolm. “Now, Lieutenant, this shouldn’t hurt at all. Well, except for the first part. But once I’ve completed the incision, you won’t feel a thing.”

Malcolm ran.

Phlox looked after him. “Why must he always be such a difficult patient?”

Malcolm was running flat out, but he could still hear pursuit behind him. A grin appeared before him, causing him to come to an abrupt halt. When the rest of his body appeared, Trip said, “You should go that way.” He pointed to his left. “Or maybe that way.” He pointed to his right.

Malcolm pushed him out of the way, and took off running again. He called back, “Thank you for you lack of help,” but he wasn’t sure if Trip heard him before he disappeared.

He was so out of breath that he had to stop for a moment, even though he knew he didn’t have much of a lead. He fell across the table that appeared, knocking a large amount of cups and plates across it. Travis raised his head and said, “Did I tell you about the time when I was a kid…”

Malcolm snarled, “Yes, you did. Many times.” But Travis didn’t hear him, as he’d fallen back asleep.

He saw Phlox in the distance, with T’Pol coming behind him. Phlox called out, “When you’re in my sickbay, you’re under my command. Now come back, sit down, and let me take your head off.”

T’Pol shook her head. “Humans do not seem to be capable of logical behavior.”

Malcolm was off again.

He fell over some vines, realizing a moment too late that he was back in the overgrown garden. He heard Archer calling out for Porthos, but didn’t see him. He got up to run again, but he was knocked back down by the Suliban, who crouched over Malcolm with his usual leer. Malcolm tried to hit him, but his wrists were grabbed and held down, and the Suliban leaned closer, tongue out.

And licked his face. And licked his face again. And then licked his face some more.

It was too much for Malcolm, and he finally woke up to find Porthos lying on his chest, happily licking his face.

Jon came into view, grabbing the dog up. “Bad dog! I told you to leave Malcolm alone since he’s not feeling well.” He looked down at Malcolm, running a hand across his forehead. “Hmm, your fever seems to be going down. Phlox said it wouldn’t last too long. Are you feeling any better?”

 

Malcolm had to think about it. “Yes. No. Maybe.”

Archer laughed. “That’s helpful. Do you want to pick an answer and stick with it?”

“Well, I think my fever’s down, and I don’t ache as much… but I had the weirdest dream.”

The hand on his forehead moved to cup his cheek. “You’ve been running a fever all day. I think weird dreams might come with the territory there.” Jon leaned down to kiss Malcolm.

Which Malcolm happily returned. He felt the tension the dream had caused ease under the comforting touch of his lover.

Jon pulled back. “Hey, no more of that until you’re all better.” He went over to the closet, pulling out a clean uniform. He was obviously getting ready to go out, but his attention was still on Malcolm. “What did you dream about?”

Malcolm shook his head, not even knowing where to start. “First Hoshi was running around, knocking me over because she was late. Then Trip was just a grin and giving me bad directions. Phlox was serving tea and bad riddles, while Travis kept starting stories about his youth, then falling asleep. T’Pol was running around, wanting to decapitate everyone for not being logical. Frankly, it was kind of scary.”

Jon shook his head. “Horror movies you get through without a flinch. Action movies actually make you happy. But I take you to see one sweet little kiddie movie and you fall apart.”

Malcolm had to admit that his dream was rather reminiscent of the movie they’d seen last night, before he’d gotten sick. However. “It wasn’t a sweet little kiddie movie. It was twisted. I’m surprised they let children watch that thing.”

Jon just smiled. “I’m sorry about your dream, Malcolm, but I’m still rather fond of the movie.” He had finished dressing, and came over to stand by the bed. “I have a meeting with Trip and T’Pol, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. If you need anything, I’ve left a communicator by the bed here.” He kissed him again, and then turned to leave. “Try to get some more sleep, but without the weird dreams this time.”

Malcolm smiled. “Yes, Sir.”

Jon was at the door when he turned around. “Hey, why wasn’t I in your dream?”

“You were in it. You were holding Porthos, but he was fussing because he wanted some cheese. So I took him from you, but he became a Suliban when I held him.”

Laughing, Jon went out the door. “Porthos became a Suliban? You really do have a weird imagination.”

Malcolm was just starting to nod off when he heard Jon’s voice through the door. “Wait… I was the Duchess?”

/story


End file.
